French army sources confirm that their attempt to break the Guiness Book of World Records in the most persons to swim the Atlantic Ocean at once has ended in abject failure. In an exclusive interview with Times reporter Maximus Guillibus, Major Stupide de la Mouvement, head of the French Olympic Army Swimming Team, is quoted as stating:
"Quel disaster! Je suis desole! We will attempt this again once we have taught our troops to swim!"
French President Henri Thiers was unavailable for comment.
********************************* Dissident Elements of the Regia Marina Put to Sea *******************************************
In ongoing civil unrest in the Kingdom of Italy the Regia Marina pulled up anchors and moved into the Ionian Sea. Admiral, Larry “The Boss” Pistone, has become very upset with continued inaction by the central government. The admiral has stated:
"I'ma sending Guido 'The Enforcer' to talka abouta da problem witha da King. I'ma hoping dat de king, he nona have to go fishing with da fishes. I makea him an offer he can't refuse!"
Unconfirmed reports of Italian incompetence have been blamed on the Prime Minister's Bunga-Bunga parties.
****************************************** Royal Navy Begins Annual Naval Exercises **************************************
The Royal Navy began their annual training exercises in the North and Norwegian Seas. Lord of the Admiralty, Sir David Richard Beattie, denies reports that recent fleet movements have nothing to do with securing tea supplies from Norway.
In a press release he is quoted as stating "Recent reported shortages of Earl Grey, Tetley, and Orange Pekoe teas have nothing to do with recent Royal Navy moves from their home bases".
The King of Norway is somewhat mystified. He stated "We only grow New Age herbal teas."
************************************ Das Deustches Reich Initiates European Union (EEC) ***************************************
The German Foreign Minister has announced the beginning of a new European Union in which all nations of Europe will be united in in a free economic and democratic union in which all of Europe will be joined in a common community.
Speaking from Aachen (near the Belgian Dutch borders) he stated "Deustchland haff a neue vision in which all peoples of Europe vill be unter ein Reich, ein Volk, ein...oops das should be a free democratic union. Vir machen special re-education lagers in vich all volk will be taught to sprecht die deustch und sing das lied 'Deustchland Uber Alles'. Das neue capital must be in Bruxelles."
The King of the Belgians has been quoted stating "Over my dead body!". To which the German Foreign Minister replied "Das can be arranged."
Export of Belgian beer to Germany has been prohibited.
********************** Eastern Romans, Austrian-Hungarians and Russians Bring Peace to Balkans *****************************
In an unprecedented show of international co-operation the Eastern Roman Empire, The Russian Empire and the Empire of the Austrian-Hungarians have joined forces to restore order in the Balkans.
The newly created protectorates have all hailed their liberators and acclaim them as a new dawn for their countries.
Special Roman envoy, Stabbus in the Backus, (speaking off the record) has declared that you can trust all involved empires are as about trustworthy as far as you can throw them.
Foreign Minister, Narses, denies these comments.
***************************************** Greece Calls Out for Bailout **************************************************************
With continued economic turmoil the Greek government is appealing to their fellow Europeans for economic assistance.
Facing imminent bankruptcy the Greek Prime Minister, Zorba (not the movie star), is requesting immediate economic assistance from their Greek/Roman bretherin in the Byzantine Empire and long term aid from the rest of Europe.
Eastern Roman Minister of Finance was heard to remark: "What does a Grecian Urn? Our atute interviewer replied "About a Dracma a day."
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From the Office of the Overseer. The office of the Overseer is not responsible for any of the content contain in the Montreal Informer, or derived from the Byzantine Broadcasting Corporation
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Italy Unites. On
September 20th 1870 the liberation of Rome
from the Papacy was complete. A year later, on July 1, 1871, the Italian
government moved from Florence to Rome, His Majesty
King Victor Emmanuel II entered the city the next day. Italy is now in
the Game of Nations under the leadership of Count Benito Spartacus.
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